The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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