Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
