Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
