The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize