I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
