i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
