We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
