I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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