just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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