covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
