you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
