But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
