Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
