1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
