Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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