Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
