Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize