I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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