And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Be still, my beating vagina.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
