He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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