Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
