I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
