he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize