put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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