i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
