Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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