you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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