***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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