Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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