pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Can you bring me the toilet please
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
