The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I think I just sharted jello shots
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
