There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
