the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
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