How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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