remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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