Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
