If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
