Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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