as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
