The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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