i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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