I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
