Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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