When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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