You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
