The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize