This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
