My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Be still, my beating vagina.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
