I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
