If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize