Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
