If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
My breath smells like gin and sadness
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
