Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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