I haven't been this sober since birth.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
