OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
