You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize