my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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