Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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