I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
