I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
